Ana

This is not fun sometimes. At all. I'm honestly tired of having to choose. It's draining me. Nothing was ever more important for me than my family and now it looks like it wasn't enough to just live so far away. No. Now I shall divorce. I shall let the drama home and care about me and myself only. You know what? I'm kind of tired of myself. Of seeing myself on the screen, on the mirror, on the pictures, on the computer, on the postcards, on the headshots, on the DVDs. I miss sharing myself and absorbing someone else's life. I miss my family. I miss real hugs, real love, love that has lasted my entire life. But I shall miss my cousin's most important day of her life because I have two lines in a movie. Ok. But unless it really brings me something in the future, I'm always gonna blame myself for letting others decide for me. My natural, irrational, innate behavior would have been to go, but then I started telling people what was going on in my life and when they talked to me about it I heard the facts and I had to think about it, I had to be rational, cold and make everybody sad. Yes, it is part of the journey, but I do not want to get used to it. I wanna get to the point where if I make a decision like this it's because I have a real character in a movie, or because it will change my career for sure. If everything is always gonna be an "if" and I have to let my family behind... I guess I'll have to sit down and define who I really am. Because I'm really confused right now. I still don't fully understand why I am doing this. And yet, I'm doing it. I am.