Thursday, September 18, 2008
I'm staying ten more days... Yay! Guess what?
Here is why I just can't feel that good about staying longer. After an OPT expires we have a two month grace period, but I kept saying: "There's no point on me staying here if I can't work". Was that an excuse to see my family as soon as I had a reasonable reason that wouldn't make me and other people think I wasn't that serious about my career? Maybe. Was that because I really wanna start taking care of my new visa? Sure. But now I just realized how right I was!
1) The SAG feature I have two lines in could finally make me SAG eligible (which was actually one of the goals I wanted to accomplish during OTV). But guess what? I'm not allowed to work for American companies anymore! So they are hiring me through the Portuguese company, which means: no SAG!... F#@k! I was so close!!! I guess the big opportunity did come and I wasn't allowed to take it... Still, I'm missing the wedding...
2) I had a SAG stand-in gig for tomorrow! After doing annoying background until I couldn't stand it anymore, I would finally get a voucher?! Guess what? I can't work!
3) Another company wanted to hire me for some translation/ voice-over and possible film gigs. Guess what? My OPT expired five days ago!!!
I swear, the last month of my OPT, I didn't use it at all, now that it expires, opportunities show up. And I say "Yes, sure". And then I e-mail them back "Guess what? I can't work."
WTF is going on?!?!posted by Ana @ 12:04 AM
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"LA told me
[...] All you have to change
Is everything you are."
This is not fun sometimes. At all. I'm honestly tired of having to choose. It's draining me. Nothing was ever more important for me than my family and now it looks like it wasn't enough to just live so far away. No. Now I shall divorce. I shall let the drama home and care about me and myself only. You know what? I'm kind of tired of myself. Of seeing myself on the screen, on the mirror, on the pictures, on the computer, on the postcards, on the headshots, on the DVDs. I miss sharing myself and absorbing someone else's life. I miss my family. I miss real hugs, real love, love that has lasted my entire life. But I shall miss my cousin's most important day of her life because I have two lines in a movie. Ok. But unless it really brings me something in the future, I'm always gonna blame myself for letting others decide for me. My natural, irrational, innate behavior would have been to go, but then I started telling people what was going on in my life and when they talked to me about it I heard the facts and I had to think about it, I had to be rational, cold and make everybody sad. Yes, it is part of the journey, but I do not want to get used to it. I wanna get to the point where if I make a decision like this it's because I have a real character in a movie, or because it will change my career for sure. If everything is always gonna be an "if" and I have to let my family behind... I guess I'll have to sit down and define who I really am. Because I'm really confused right now. I still don't fully understand why I am doing this. And yet, I'm doing it. I am.
posted by Ana @ 12:04 AM
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2 Comments
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Green
My favorite color used to be white, then yellow, then pink, but then I
chose green and I never changed again. Lately I have been tempted
to say purple, but I just realized how much I actually need the
green and all it represents:
- Money
- Green card
- Hope/ confidence
posted by Ana @ 9:48 PM
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3 Comments
Expired OPT
Today was the last day I was allowed to work in the U. S. My one year work permit is no longer valid. Most of the projects I actually got to act in during this year didn't pay. I made money with gigs like background, voice over, commercials... So, yes, I could just stay and keep doing what I have been doing, but if my goal is to actually get to the point where I get paid for doing what I love, I can't just have another year like this one. It was great, but it's time to move on and take larger steps. If the big opportunity comes, I can't not be allowed to take it. So I will go to Portugal and get roles in at least two movies and a soap opera- then I just have to find someone nice here to sponsor me and I'll be back with a brand new visa.
Or I could just win next year's green card lottery...
Or win an oscar for an European movie...
I just won't sleep with anyone to get a visa. And I don't want to have to pay someone to marry me and depend on some guy's free will. Or stay far from my family, friends and easy life to work full time in anything besides acting in order to get a sponsor. No. No? No!
posted by Ana @ 8:48 PM
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1 Comments
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Depression Mood
Ok... that happiness I mentioned some posts ago is gone and it is now hitting me... I am really leaving LA.And I don't know if it is because the day is so close, or if it is because some of the stuff I keep doing for my career seem useless since I'm not gonna be here in the next couple of months. Maybe it's because I hate having to sell my stuff and I need to convince people to buy them. Or maybe it's just because the reasons why I was happy about going to Portugal are not as strong anymore. My ex is not picking me up at the airport, he has an exam on that exact same day. And the family meeting I was looking forward to is not gonna be as perfect as I though. My parents are going through a hard time, so it seems that I will have to deal with lots of problems as soon as I get there.
I don't know why leaving is hitting me so hard all of a sudden. But I'm so so sad right now.
posted by Ana @ 7:09 PM
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2 Comments
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