I had a car accident this afternoon.
And it was my fault. There's nothing to argue about. I didn't get hurt, neither did the guy who was driving the vehicle I hit, but the front of my car looks terribly scary. There were some nice people walking around who'd tell me it wasn't that bad, but I guess we'll only find out tomorrow at the auto repair. I had hit a couple of cars before, but the damages were nothing more than scratches, I had never had to tow my car until today. Then, of course, you try to think about the good things: the other person didn't get hurt, I didn't get hurt, my parents happen to be here in Lisbon to calm me down and help and... I think I needed a wake up call like this one- What the hell is happening with me? I need to slow. the. heck. down!!! Not only when I drive, also in my day to day life. My head has been aching every single day for a week, I've been going to bed between 7 and 10AM, I have a huge list of things I wanna do and a very limited period of time to make them happen, I'm closer to my thirties than my twenties and I do not have a guaranteed pay check at the end of the month, I still drive my parents' car and have an accident with it...! And if I wanna go back and forth to L.A. I just cannot pay for the damage, right? Even though my career choice was a huge disappointment for my parents, they keep helping me. So the least I could do would be to be perfect at everything else. God! They surely deserve it.
An image kept coming up in my head. I feel like I'm locked inside a box and it's so full I can't move or figure out how to get out and keep everything I've achieved inside it. There are a few holes so I can breath, but even though they're refreshing, they're not appealing enough to me in a way that I'd want to start opening the box with the chances they're giving me. It's like when you have some options in your life, that are actually good, but you're so sure of what you want that you don't even consider those other opportunities or want to give them a try. No. I believe the lid will open, that the opportunity I've been looking for is out there and it's coming, all I need to do is wait inside the box and keep believing. It seems I don't have room for anything else in my life right now, not even new Friends, new long-term relationships, new goals, new plans, new ideas, more lectures... No! Either the whole world is with me or I will leave it behind. Nobody is stopping me or making me go slower. So here I am, in front of the computer, networking, working, connecting, e-mailing, submitting, replying, asking, seeing my face over and over again, trying to explain how wonderful I am and why everybody should hire me, editing, facebooking, myspacing, twittering, linkedining, plaxing, websiting, hi5ing, blogging! I just hate that now it's more efficient to send an e-mail than to go out and meet who we wanna talk to in person, or than to just mail your stuff (at least you'd go out since you gotta go to the post office!). There are some pretty amazing directors, producers and casting directors who already have my contact and the ones who don't will get it online. So why shouldn't I trust that waiting inside the box is better than getting out of my way? Even if this all ends up being just a dream that never became real, I know I'll be happier eluding myself my whole life than having a 9 to 5 job that I don't relate to. But how fair is that? Why am I better than most of the people to believe I have that right? What if I never make enough money to have my own car and pay for its repair?
posted by Ana @ 3:16 PM
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tonta said...
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